I have been married for almost 7 years. My husbands job keeps him away for months at a time. At night he would call me and say good night he was exhausted. When the phone log came in he was hanging up with me to call another women and be on the phone for hours. He has been caught sexting sending and receiving porn pictures from girls he has never met. He has cheated many times over. He has been caught masturbating in the bathroom in the middle of the night and has porn downloaded to his phone. The last time he was caught was my birthday. I didn?t talk to him nothing. After a day or so he came to me and said he thinks he has an issue and looked for an addicts meeting. He went there and then started buying books and joining online therapy groups. He is away now and claims he doesn?t leave his room unless its to work until he can figure out his triggers and learn control. Does this really sound like an addict? Some of these girls he chatted and swapped pics with for weeks and months before meeting them for sex. I?m so lost please help me..?????? how can i ever trust you again.
Andrew writes:
It sounds like you?ve been through a truly horrible time. Catching him looking at porn on your birthday must have really felt like a slap in the face and then there?s the cheating too.
Is he a sex and porn addict? This is a difficult question because it is a continuum ? a bit like alcohol. It is possible to be a social drinker (with no problems at all) or someone who abuses alcohol (self-medicating, shutting down and coping with difficult or unwelcome emotions) and a full on addict (where your life is out of control). Sadly, it is very easy for abusing to slip into addiction. The majority of men do use pornography these days as a way of unwinding and a sexual release. However, they do not use it an inappropriate times (like during your birthday celebrations) or let it tip over into infidelity. So I would definitely think your husband is a abusing porn/sex. Ultimately, it does not matter whether he is abusing or an addict. He has a problem that is impacting on your relationship and both of you need help. I explain more about sex addiction, why it happens and how to cope in my book ?Make Love Like a Prairie Vole?: Six steps to passionate, plentiful and monogamous sex.
The good news is that he is in a treatment programme. Unfortunately, it sounds like it is on-line (which is better than nothing) but does not involve admitting to your problem face-to-face (and dealing with the shame) or getting the full support of other sufferers or a therapist. So I think you need more information about what he?s doing and to check whether he?s getting enough help. In addition, you need support too ? as this has had a huge impact on you. I would look at joining a group for the partners of love / sex addicts or getting an individual therapist.
If that?s not possible ? or money is a problem ? there is support in my books. If you haven?t read ?How can I ever trust you again? please do. I would also like you to read ?Learn to love yourself enough? to boost your self esteem and ?Help your partner say yes? and ?Resolve your differences? to improve communication between the two of you.
It?s a tough journey ahead but you have begun to ask questions, find out more and learn. This will help you make an informed choice about what you do next. So have courage and press on.
About Andrew
Andrew G Marshall is a marital therapist with twenty-five years' experience.
His self-help books include the international best-seller 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' which has been translated into over fifteen different languages.
He also offers private counselling and workshops in London and writes for the Mail on Sunday, Times, Guardian and Psychologies.
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